Got Jokes Huh?

I have seen a resurgence of the popular past time form of joke telling called "Roasting". Now, I didn't know what it was because in NY we just called it Clowning and then in Bmore a small circle of us called it "Clock time," in which we made jokes with a Symbolic Chess Clock in front of us and if you couldn't make a joke in a couple seconds then you lost.
Now it seems people are doing it to be popular online, which is pretty lame, but whatever; not everybody has self respect, I guess. But nonetheless, I think all "Roasts" should have a time limit. If it takes you 5mins to come up with a non Intelligent joke like, "You look like a Radioactive Turd" {'~' }™ , chances are you should just stop!

 But I do have a newfound saying, "If you're gonna be LAME, do that sh*t to the MAX!" So... for you 'Be Lame-For-Fame' Style Roasters here's a few tips to increase your RT's and follower Count:

Basic Algebraic Formula:
Obscure(Country+ Animal)
Ex: You look like a Mongolian Praying Mantis

The good thing about most of these jokes is that 95% of the times the person looks NOTHING like the animal but it sounds funny so people can't help but to laugh. If you think I'm lying then you look like a Filipino Coy Fish when you Kiss

The Tag Team:
Tag people who are funny so that you can Ask for Help, without actually appear like you're asking for help.
Ex. Yo @JohnnyMagma look at this ugly mofo @RandomTwitterName,
don't he look like a Antarctic Snow Beaver?

Unfortunately, this happens DAILY and so many names get tagged that a decent joke is almost never possible.

TT Roast:
Use the current Trending Topics up on the board, or one that you are about to put on the board (if you are one of the "Kings/Queens of Twitter" {'~' }™ This will increase your exposure Tremendously because there are literally millions of people on TT's at any given time that will see it even if they aren't following you.

Ex. #MarcusBJoke(s) if you don't know of that hashtag, thank your lucky stars you've never had to suffer through what can only be explained as a Nicki Minaj rap style Roast with random capitalized words typed with the intelligence of a Lil B punchline.

The Only 2 Universally Successfully executed Hashtag style roasts are #Rhamu (which Trended Worldwide by the way) followed by #BoywaltsVest. If you weren't in on those then you just missed it... Sorry.

Another benefit of this is the fact that the trend can be explained (via Apps and/or WhatTheTrend.com) and therefore be a permanent record of the Hilarity that ensued if it becomes popular enough.
Ex: #BoyWaltsVest => whatthetrend.com/trend/boywaltsvest

Have Fun "Roasters" your Cyber Life depends on it... Word to the wise though, anyone following these guidelines will typically get labeled a Lame Ass and be unfollowed just as quickly as you were followed. Your interest factor will decrease severely because when you see how the magician does his trick... it's just not as Mesmerizing.

Moral of the Story: If you have to Try to be funny, then You aren't Funny!!

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You Are by Johnny Magnum

When You Are not here,

My heart breaks down in tears.

You Are the reason for my pride,

And the reason of my fear.

When things get out-of-control,

You Are the reason that I steer.

And when I’m on the Grind

You Are the Oil on my Gears.

When my life is full of stress,

You Are the reason I Relieve.

And when my life is a mess,

You Are the Reason that I Clean.

You Are always there when I Beckon, It’s kinda weird,

You make years feel like mere seconds when You’re near.

I Love the thought of Loving You,

I Dread the thought of Missing You,

When it gets quiet in the room, You are the Music that I listen to.

You are the Reason I am here, The Kleenex to my Tears,

There’s nothing left to Fear, When I Feel that You are near.

You are the reason I’m Dumbfounded,

You are the reason I am Smart,

You are the reason I am Bounded to you with my Heart.

And Every time I see Your face it’s like New Art,

So No Girl Can Ever Compare to the Woman that You Are

        
                                                                                 

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Reality Shows: Why watch them?

 

 

 

*Higher Learning Voice*

 

 

 

What is Real?...

 

 

 

What is Realer?....

 

 

 

What is Reality?....

 

 

 

What is FAKE?!?!?!

 

 

I think these scripted shows are the worst thing to happen to television since AJ and Free left 106 & Park (or the Vietnam War DVD remake infomercials). I personally don't understand how people enjoy these shows of ignorance and racial stereotypes. I don't EVER watch these shows, yet somehow I know most of what's going on from people complaining and doing play-by-plays on Twitter and Facebook every time they air. Here's a thought: if you don't like what's going on, STOP WATCHING IT, GENIUS!!!

 

Clearly, you don't understand how TV ratings work. The more people that watch, the more money they get for advertisements. This means you will continue getting more of the same to keep you tuned in.

 

For the people thinking these shows are real, ask yourself this one question: when the credits roll, why does every reality show have writers? Go ahead and ponder on that while you wait for the next show where the Black dude is ghetto and/or gay, the nudist White/Hispanic chick is an alcoholic sl*t, the "pretty boy" flirts and is involved with every female in the house except the token "bi*tch" that everyone hates.

 

How well did I do on type casting the past 10 years of reality shows? Let me know.

 

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"Speechless" by Johnny Magnum

Audio: http://filesocial.com/d44y018 (Mobile Phone Friendly)

You emit Beauty
From your hair, eyes, lips to your teeth and cuticles,
Down to the lips you hide in between your thighs
That makes my nature rise.
Everything about you says, “I am Beautiful”
Your Smile can brighten nights,
Your Frown can darken days,
Your Love can deepen meaning,
Your Passion can heighten waves,
Your Voice is my favorite song
When you speak, I hear it play
Your Grace is amazing
And I know it sounds cliché
“But does it hurt when an Angel falls from Heaven?”
'Cause you set my heart ablaze
Rays of sun shine whenever I see your face
Insane pain wanes the anger has been replaced
It’s the start of part of my heart becoming unbroken
And the way I feel is still so verbally unspoken
Merely because of one Simple…… Harmonic…… Notion……
You Leave Me……Speechless

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Its not a Man Purse… Its a Satchel

Ah The Hangover, the funniest movie of last year partially thanks to this man and his oddly humorous style of Comedy and Fashion. The Man Purse, or Satchel as he calls it, was the laughing stock of the movie as he posed ready for a night out on the town with his Lone Wolf Wolfpack Compadres. But I’ve got a question, Fellas: Would you be caught sporting one of these if it were fashionably acceptable? And more importantly, Ladies: How would you feel if you were headed out on a night on the town and your man ran back in the house to get a Satchel accessory to match his ensemble for the evening? One might think it's effeminate, some say Metrosexual, others say just plain Homosexual. What are your thoughts on the pictures below?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now Jamie has done some suspect outfits in the past with his Leotard snap between the leg looking shirts (can’t Blame that on the Alcohol) and Hugh Jackman is famous for running around in a Bright Yellow Leather suit killing others who didn't like him because he was "Different"… But that’s Wolverine, He CAN’T be effeminate, can he? He’s got death claws for crying out loud.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bow Wow & Tom Brady? Really? Tom Brady is one of the epitomes of masculinity in Americas Past time of Full Contact Football and Married to a Brazilian Super model, Gisele Bundchen, but you gotta admit, even he looks rather… dainty in the above Picture. And Bow Wow, I mean he dated Ciara who we all know is one of the most beautiful Women.. er um, well… yeah. Never mind on that one. With all those rumors floating around this might actually make sense.

Either way, it seems these Murses (Man Purses) are making a comeback, Will you ride the Wave?

Photos from: http://madamenoire.com/

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Top 10 Rap Artist of All Time

 

Who is the best? How Do We Judge? How do we unbiasedly decide the Greatest of All Time? Well VH1, the station which coincidentally represents the pinnacle of Hip-Hop Culture (that’s sarcasm by the way), decided to make a list of the Top 100 Artist of All Time to which only 10 Hip-Hop celebs made it. Check the list and let me know what you think of their Placement. 

 

 
 

   Top 10 Hip Hop

 

        01. Jay - Z

 

        02. Public Enemy

 

        03. Notorious B.I.G.

 

        04. Tupac Shakur

 

        05. Run - DMC

 

        06. Eminem

 

        07. N.W.A.

 

        08. Beastie Boys

 

        09. LL Cool J

 

        10. Outkast

Voting was conducted by Shugoll Research. The list was determined by a poll of musicians and music experts. Also, Over 200 artists voted including Alicia Keys, Diddy, Ozzy Osbourne and Carrie Underwood, as well as members of U2, the Police, Metallica and Aerosmith etc.

This list isn’t as outlandish as I thought it would be when I realistically look at it. The term Greatest ARTIST is the key word I believe which encompasses more than just simple Lyrical Skill and Local Popularity. Qualities such as Charisma, Content, Versatility, Marketability, Longevity etc are far more important which everyone on this list has PROVEN. But still, What are your thoughts on THIS list and its arrangement?


Full Top 100 List Available Here

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Possibilities by Johnny Magnum

 
Essentially,


I’m knowing you were meant for me


Mentally, Sexually, and even Hypothetically.


And Phonetically, U – N – I were meant to be together for eternity.


You deserving me and learning me, internal and externally,


Heart burglary smart certainly,


Stealing my heart don’t break it apart, your body’s like artwork to me.


Perfection at least,


A masterpiece to me is what I see when you are standing here next to me.


And when it comes to hugs and the love that we make


It gets me higher than any drug could ever duplicate


Need help viewing? Let me tune the fate.


Me and you wed together forever, a bond I’m not soon to break.


But who’s to say it’s possible, it’s not logical


With the distance between us, I see this as no obstacle.


Just come back to me and see that we can be an object too


What’s Stopping You?


                                            My Love’s Unstoppable.

                                                                                            It’s Possible.

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You by Johnny Magnum

You are Amazing... Truly... Completely...

If I was at War with Love...

You would Defeat me... because you Complete me...

You make me Whole

I was S.O.L. before, but now with U, I have a SOUL

You are my Goal... my Vision... my Success…

You are my Deity... my Queen... my Empress…

For You I Impress... for You are Pure...

I was Lovesick... Addicted to Pain... You are my Cure

For You I Endure...

When Concentrating on the Bad...

You are my Dilution... my Solution... my Mold...

With Issues Winter Cold, Summer too hot to Handle

You are my Spring... You are my Fall

It would seem that I have it all,

but actually I have to Cope,

Because the truth is,

All I have is Hope…

Because I don't even know

Who "You"... is...

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When Fans Go Too Far

Mobile Link to Video

 

There's a thin line between being a fan and being a psycho… this man just crossed it. Take a look and listen to how this Dude expresses his appreciation for Kobe Bryant of the LA Lakers. If you think this is normal, then please don’t Date… ever… for any reason.

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Baracka Flocka Flame

Mobile Link to Video

 

These Spoofs get funnier and funnier every month. Check out Barack Obamas remake of the Hard in the Paint joint which i actually like more than the original.

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New Cereal Ideas

Mobile Link To Video

Now this is a product I would’ve loved to have as a kid and maybe the only one to top Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Waffle Crisps… the Tupac and biggie of Breakfast.

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Imma Let You Finish But…

 

Now I’m not for over killing jokes and this Kanye one has definitely been done to death but someone created a blog that I happened to stumble upon (http://imaletyoufinish.com) and it was good for a few laughs. They provided people with pictures of Mr. West from the fateful day he cut off Taylor Swift at the Awards and challenged followers of their blog to superimpose them onto others. There's pages upon pages but here were a few of the ones that I couldn’t help but to laugh at.

Blue Man Group

 

 

Mathematics

 

Yoda

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This is When You Know Yo Friends Aint ish

 

Like OMG Brainstorm. Becky, Sue, Beth, Marie Anne, JoJo, Stephanie, Kimmy, Katherine, Star and Bertha… you guys should like, Totally all holds hands and Jump Supreme High, then I'll like… Click Click of you guys like, radically in Mid-air… it’ll be B*TCHIN!!!

1

2

3

JUMP!!! 

 

These Skinny Index Mouth Fingering chicks knew good and well Bertha wasn’t gettin off the ground.

 

How many of us have them………… Friends

 

 

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Tats to Die For

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GET A JOB!

 
The economy is screwed up, no one’s hiring, I need more experience ... Sucks doesn't it

The economy in America has been on what seems to be a steady decline since Bill Clinton, the 1st black President, was in office. From the extensive research and information I've attained, deciphered and categorized, I have deduced this one simple conclusion ... we need a new Lewinsky.

When it comes to men, the promise of good head will get us to accomplish almost ANYTHING. Some people think Pilgrims left Europe in search for religious freedom ... WRONG; them pseudo Amish Mormons were in search of mouth sex. Something about watching a woman grip up on that wood and churn butter get the men of Yore extremely excited, but they always had to curb their urges; so once they finally got fed up, they dizzipped. I mean think about it, how do you REALLY think they got all the Africans on the Slave ships? Guns? Pffft ... yeah right. They promised them some old-fashioned white girls that (according to New Age wise man & Prophet for Profit, Plies) all swallow. That's why successful black men go for the white ladies, it's in their DNA, blame heritage. So please don't get it twisted, when it comes down to acknowledgement for the greatest accomplishments of all time, Championship rings and the Nobel Prize COMBINED ain't got ish on a Blow Job.

 

In summary... save the world... suck one, our future depends on it.

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Does Your Vote Matter? Will it in 2031?

 

Did you know that in 2006 you, as a minority, could very easily not have the right to vote in some states? The Voting Act of 1965 that outlawed restricting Voting Rights based off Race/Color (due to slavery) has to be Renewed and I didn’t know that… until today.

Your boy, George W. Bush Jr, was actually the one to renew the Act during his second term in office to renew the act for another 25years, until 2031, so I guess he did do something right while in office. I will have to amend my thoughts on thinking he was worthless. Now I am not entirely sure as to why this law is even up for debate personally but I do have a few questions…

1) Why has there been no Amendments for it to cover all States?

2) Why is it to be renewed every 25years instead of Permanent?

3) Why was it brought up to vote if the timeframe could be lowered from 25years to 10?

The Acts text doesn’t specifically state the answers to these questions but there are some things I have deciphered from it that make logical sense (doesn’t make them fact by any means, but plausible). As you see from the Picture above, the Dark Blue areas are the areas affected most by this law that can not change this act without Federal Approval. Granted these were all slave states Pre Civil war, but we shouldn’t forget that the north oppressed slaves too, they just didn’t make them work on fields. And furthermore this isn’t the case today so why hasn’t it changed? Something I noticed after reading the act limits the ability for state Ballots limit the languages without Federal Approval… why are all the states/areas affected also where the highest levels of immigration into the US are recorded? Coincidence? Are the seeking a way to make it harder for people who don’t speak English as a primary langue to vote? Maybe even English speaking people of lower education levels as they did in the 60’s to restrict slaves from understanding the Ballots? Seems so.

Now I have not yet found why every 25 years was the listed time frame 45years ago but that’s besides the point, the fact that it is trying to be lowered to 10years shows me an intent that I am not looking forward to. Why else would this Act even get enough steam to be brought to the floor to be voted upon, even though it lost by 2/3rds vote, 5 times since 1975? Obviously there is a want to change this Law and with the lower and lower voter turn out year after year it seems some people in government are trying to capitalize on the “My Vote Doesn’t Matter” babies that mainly High School/College Drop outs have adopted as an excuse not to make it to the polls. Things hitting’ home for you yet?

Since History seems to be cyclical, how long do you think it’ll take before someone gets oppressed yet again? Whites had their turn in the past and typically own most of the capital in the US… Hispanics are gaining in numbers and expected to be the Majority within the next 30years, which means their voting numbers will increase drastically… if Blacks keep adopting this Catch22 logic: My Vote wont bring change, so I wont vote, not voting means the government cant cater to the change you want, therefore change wont happen, then we will quickly become new age slaves once again by our own doing.

Even if you choose not to vote, please stay in your ignorance alone and encourage others to learn and find their own path. The US Government is 3 Branches, if you only participate in 1 you have to understand that you have not done nearly enough to bring about the change you are seeking.

United States Department of Defense: Voting Act of 1965

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Searching for Mr/Mrs Perfect

 

 

Awww How sweet. But with all due respect, are you effin Stupid? Now I'm all for wanting the best but most people I see claiming they waiting for the perfect person tend to sound lazy as a mofo and their exact opposite. Tell me if you've heard something similar:

 

“I want someone who will do this that and the third for me, have his/her life together and accept me for who I am.

1) That's Bull, you got a list of stuff you want a Lover to do for you but want them to just accept you for what you are? Incorrect Sir/Madame... You want a Gigapet.

 

2) You want someone with their Life together? And what does that entail exactly? Job, Place of their Own, Bills Paid on Time, decent Wardrobe... while you collect unemployment, Live with Parents and/or are completely dependent on Gov't Assistance to make ends meet?

How does that make sense in your mind?

The answer...Selfishness. Too often I see people wanting in a Lover everything they aren't and then they get confused as to way they find the lower caliber of people they do. But it seems pretty simple to me, if you want the perfect catch, you gotta use the right bait. Flaunting your Sexual Skills/Body Parts (women) and Cash (dudes) may get you A Lover, but not THE Lover you've been craving. Now I'm not saying you aren't deserving of your counterpart... but if you are Black and White TV quality, don't stand in line to Pre-Order the newest Playstation. You're wasting time and effort for something that can do much better without you.

 

Think About It: Would the "Perfect" Man or Woman of your dreams settle for a Person like You?

 

Step Yo Game Up... ASAP!!!

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Spanking: Is It Okay?

First, get your mind out of the gutter because this is actually a very good question that I think from generation to generation has become more and more taboo. Those of us with parents born in the 60's-70's remember what it's like to feel the wrath of the parent, and for a lot of us the dreaded phrase, "wait 'til yo' Daddy get home" was worse than walking down Death Row. But this new generation of parents 80's - 90's seem like discipline is limited to words and not action.

Some say it's wrong to hit your kids because they learn violence but I think that is only true when discipline becomes abuse, I feel some people don't know they difference so I want to map out a simplistic scorecard out for you to make it a little easier.

I think you get the point now. The bottom line is, don't electrocute someone when a simple static shock will suffice them. Spanking is about deterring bad behavior by inflicting a fear parental disappointment, not pain. Spank your child just hard enough to show their actions were unacceptable, bruising means you went too far.

Okay let’s do a quick test to see if you pass …

Which of the below photos is more likely the result of proper discipline?
 
Baby Jadakiss? or Bloody Timmy?

If you got this one wrong then you are probably destined to raise a child who is completely jacked up.

My man either wasn't beat enough or entirely too much ... please properly DISCIPLINE your kids.

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Relatives vs. Family

     Have you ever let a relative that made you change, or tweak, your personal rules to accommodate them... simply because they were related? I know I used to. But since then I've had to ask, "Relative vs. Family"... Is there a difference?

     I've heard plenty of people say, "I'll do anything for my family," but never interchanged with the word relative... but why? Is one just easier to say than the other? I don't think so, I think its a much deeper meaning. The definitions for both are as follows:

 

Relative: a person related by bloodline or through marriage

Family: an association of people who share common beliefs or activities

     To me, those are very different things. I don't consider every relative a member of my family anymore. I'm sure we all have people with blood relation to us that emotionally, we share ZERO ties with. You, yourself probably have a friend that knows your deepest darkest secrets, who you feel is closer to than most of your born-in Pedigree? What about in the case of the deadbeat parent who has abandoned their child. Are they still considered family simply because they are relatives? I think not.

 

     Just because someone shares a bloodline, doesn't mean they won't cross you the wrong way and/or treat you any better than a stranger would. I've had people, with NO blood relation, that I call family that have looked out for me in my darkest hours when some of my relatives left me out to fend for myself; after putting me in a bad situation. I will not let the 'relative excuse' place me there ever again. Family should be earned and cherished; make sure those you do is a choice YOU make, not one you are stuck with.

 

"Relatives happen by Chance, Family is by Choice"

 

 

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Typo or Just Plain Dumb?

 Typo: a mistaken key stroke. You knew what word you were trying to type, with the correct spelling and context, and simply added, removed, or misplaced a letter.

Just Plain Dumb: Using the wrong word, context and/or words that don't exist that you used trying to sound clever.

With the increasing number of Social Networking Sites comes all new Cyber Lingo and a whole new World to see how educated people really aren't. Personally, I will rarely correct on spelling or grammar (the Spell Nazi) because it's too much work with all the errors I've seen. But when you talk about how intelligent you are or are trying to call someone dumb, and misspell words, you are very effectively shrinking the intelligence barrier between you and your "victim". Now I make mistakes, and when called on them will gladly admit my idiocy in the matter but I often see people use the excuse "It was a Typo" and I want to clear up the differences between Typos and Just Plain Dumb statements

Prime example: bored with the recycling of boring TT ideas, like #SideChickAppreciationDay (which was funny on Feb 13, not on Aug 27) I decided, as a joke, to randomly start #TheseTTsDryerThan and many people proceeded to go in. Now only 3 of my 1900+ followers caught that "Dryer" is a noun (as in Washer & Dryer) not and adjective (as in Drier than). I could've easier said that was a typo, but it wasn't... that was Just Plain Dumb.

If I can Admit it, so can you. We all have those Duh Moments, embrace and learn from them. If you notice you have Just Plain Dumb Moments often, seek Help. There isn't anything worse than an Intelligent Dummy discussing worldly issues but can't beat a 3rd grader in a written exam.

When you make a "typo", and can't realize it, you might find yourself in a #MurkGWisdom situation. What's that you ask? You may end up saying something like, "I am Way Smart Then You" (Actual Quote) when replying to someone questioning your intellect. Do you see how counterproductive that statement is? If not... I will Pray for you.

Just remember, Spelling and Context Count. Don’t Look as Retarded as your Competition.

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Bad Parenting

Anyone that knows me knows that I travel... A LOT. While out, I come into contact with lots of different people of all age ranges, races and creeds; I’m sad to say the African-Americans, generally speaking, are some of the worst parents I've seen in this current generation (1980's - 2010).

Now please don't take this as race bashing, or call me a "sellout" for speaking the truth. This is what I see with my own eyes, this is just my experience. I've personally NEVER seen any other race of people curse around/at their young children; I’m sure it happens, but I've never seen it. What the hell is so twisted in your dome that you cursing out a 5-year-old in public because they're doing something annoying? They are TODDLERS! If you're mad at the way they act while you are out and about, maybe you should be angry at yourself for how you've inadvertently taught them to behave. When I see kids getting cursed at I have the urge to call child services and beat the parent with a pillow-case full of hardcover parenting books. I feel sad for the kid and the future failed relationships they will endure because of how you are showing them to deal with issues (with loud, disrespectful, ghetto banter). We HAVE to do better people. If you are of another race please don't think you are exempt for all of the same violations, just because I don't see it personally doesn't mean I'm naive to its existence.

You have to realize that later in life that will hurt them socially, if you find it hard to see the correlation. Think about that horribly angry, violent, ghetto relationship you've seen/had (everyone has) ... that's the EXACT type of person they will become because of you.

P.S. Just because people don't have kids doesn't mean we don't share your frustration, at least you CAN discipline them. I can't pop and counsel every annoying child I come in contact with ... but I can trip them while they're running all over the dame place, accidently of course.

Take the advice and strive for your child to live better than you, don't repeat the cycles that caused some of your downfalls just because you had to live through them. Quit being bitter and be better.

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